


Merciful Hell

by little Alex (litalex)



Series: Fool's Errand [1]
Category: Angel: the Series
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-03-01
Updated: 2000-03-01
Packaged: 2017-11-19 21:57:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/578087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/litalex/pseuds/little%20Alex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Disclaimer: The boys aren't mine. They belong to Joss Whedon, David Greenwalt, Mutant Enemy, WB, Fox, and other people and companies that I can't remember at the moment. Lucky bastards.</p><p>Spoilers: everything and anything up to "Rings" in AtS and general knowledge of happenings in BtVS, season four</p><p>Feedback: Yes, please</p><p>Personal Notes: Thanks to Charles for beta-ing. All remaining grammatical and spelling mistakes are mine.</p>
    </blockquote>





	Merciful Hell

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: The boys aren't mine. They belong to Joss Whedon, David Greenwalt, Mutant Enemy, WB, Fox, and other people and companies that I can't remember at the moment. Lucky bastards.
> 
> Spoilers: everything and anything up to "Rings" in AtS and general knowledge of happenings in BtVS, season four
> 
> Feedback: Yes, please
> 
> Personal Notes: Thanks to Charles for beta-ing. All remaining grammatical and spelling mistakes are mine.

I must be in hell.

Leaning against the headboard, I stare at Angel's sleeping form. He is lying next to me, naked as I am, and I know with certainty that I must be in hell. Not literally, but if there is hell on Earth, I'm very much in it, burning merrily along. And the disgusting thing is, my body enjoys every single minute of it.

I actually prefer the real hell, if you must know, where I can suffer for my sins and ease my guilty conscience. It will not work, of course, but even the littlest bits count, as charity spokespeople usually say.

My hand, independent of my wishes, shoots out to stroke his face -- the strong eyebrows, the wide forehead, the soft eyelids covering his warm brown eyes. I snatch it back, cursing my body for its disobedience, for its longing for mortal, or, in this case, immortal comforts.

There must be a special place in hell for Watchers who lust after vampires, maybe even next to Slayers who have done the same. Imagine, Buffy for a neighbor in hell. How very entertaining.

Ah, but Buffy and Angel are each other's 'one, true love,' as I'll never be his. At least, with me, he never has to worry about losing his soul again, since occasional wild and almost brutal consummations of lust can hardly be counted as one perfect moment of happiness.

His vampire self seems to surface a lot during our nights, for which I'm grateful. I don't deserve his tenderness, his gentleness, his consideration... And the semblance of love without love itself will be pouring salt onto a wound that never healed -- actually, one that has already begun to fester.

Oh, who am I fooling? No one, least of all myself. I love him. I love him as I've never loved before. It is true that I've had lovers, numerous enough that I'm quite skilled, much to the dismay of my family. I shook my head to clear my thoughts, the very mention of my father lighting a trail of anger through my veins. Yes, the one and only son of his Lordship will gladly spread his legs for any man better looking than the current Prince of Wales. Quite a few people of the female persuasion, too, if appropriately enticed, though a bit clumsier because of my lack of experience with young, nubile women, Cordelia and the ones from that other dimension being the least of it.

My 'dear' father would rather have his 'pride and joy' burn in hell for eternity than to have him play catamite. And I play that role with considerable expertise, thank you very much. And, of course, God forbid that I shall ever enjoy such demeaning activities for one of my status. He will be happy beyond words if he discovers that I'm now fulfilling his wishes to the letter. My former thread of thoughts slamming back through me, I let my blood and temper cool.

Hell would be a mercy compared to my misery.

If this is love, then I have never loved before. Love is most painful, which many people can testify to, myself included. And first love, as they say, will never have a happy ending, unrequited or no. But unrequited love can actually be quite gratifying. You never expect anything, for you know that you're nothing to him. So everything and anything that he does do for you becomes the most pleasant surprise. At least that's what I assumed. He hasn't done anything for me -- well, outside of giving me a job and a home -- and I don't want him to.

Although I suppose I _am_ repaying him. With my body, no less, but what else have I to offer? I'm not a competent Watcher, as the Council so very explicitly confirmed. And I'm definitely not an adequate "rogue demon hunter," or I wouldn't have been starving. How sad and pathetic it must be that my only talents lie inside the bedroom, literally. He rolls over onto his stomach and drapes an arm over my legs, his flesh so cool over my human form. I actively suppress a shudder, craving more and not daring to ask. The happenings from earlier tonight run through my mind again, prompting another shudder.

To see him in that arena, every moment so close to death, spun me around in ways I never thought possible. I wasn't terrified, which I thought I'd be. My only emotion was resignation to the fact that I'm in hell. I literally cannot live without his presence. We don't even have to be together. Just the knowledge that he's out there somewhere, alive -- relatively alive -- and well is enough to sustain me through the rest of my life. This isn't some immense realization that will cause a person to jump out of the bathtub and cry "Eureka!" Rather, this is nothing more than simply knowing that if he dies, my life will go with his.

He's awake now, blinking his beautiful brown eyes as if he's surprised to see me still here. I smile and wind my arms around him, kissing his temporarily slack mouth. I'll accept this hell of an existence, as long as he remains by my side. And when he doesn't want to any more -- well, no need to borrow trouble before its time.

/~~finis~~/


End file.
